boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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