you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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