i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize