I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
