I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I stole a fireplace last night.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
