The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
