he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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