i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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