I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Randomize
