I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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