dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
