you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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