I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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