I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
