No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
NoShamevember. You game?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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