So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
