Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
