my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
