i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
