I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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