i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize