Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
