The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
