Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Sorry about my life...
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
