Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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