Where did you get a picture of my penis
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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