I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
