I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
