I love black thongs
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
