nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
