dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
