Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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