Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
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