Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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