You smell like a Billy Joel song
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
