I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
