you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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