Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
