fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
