he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
