Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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