so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Be still, my beating vagina.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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