I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize