Ambien. No doubt about it.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
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