well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
