I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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