I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Randomize
