my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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