Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize