Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize