I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize