Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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