I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
