Three words: puerto rican gang bang
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I wish there were birth control emojis
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
