I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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