Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize