I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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