my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
