This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
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