did you get engaged???
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
