Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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