morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
